Today I turn 24.
This year is a little different. Unlike previous years where you might be expecting fancy parties, extravagant birthday cake, this year is about a simple me, in some comfy knit with my camera timer, in my cosy London apartment. I did spoil myself with my favourite fancy balloons and a macaron tower, I mean why not?
DearPostman is all about self-love and I have always hated to spread negativity here. Especially when I know my emotions very much reflect in the words and the quality of the post, very often I would wait and only type after I fully get over the situation. Plus I just can’t lie in my posts, I can barely pretend I am happy when I am not. So not gonna lie, this post has been typed and re-typed over 20 times now (not sure if this will be the final version) because emotions have been a little unstable recently.
Turning 24 feels complicated, and it's probably the first time I do not want to celebrate. As to the reason why, I don’t think I am ready to talk about this.
Same time every year, I lay in my bed and ask myself: Chloe have you done well enough this year? What's your wishes and goals for the coming year? I still remember when I was young, just like every other girl, I had silly life goals like "at my 18, I will go to a good uni and have a boyfriend; at my 21, I will have a perfect job and many boyfriends; at my 22, I will be pretty and marry my Mr Right..." Having said that, I do really have a video of a drunk 17-year-old me saying that I have to get married at 20.
Today I am 24. Am I pretty? Ehm. Am I married? Absolutely not. But that is because I am having way more than I could even name when I was 16.
I love my 23, it's been such an amazing year full of goals, efforts, and achievements. It's been a year of "I did it!", "Mum, my turn to treat you". It's the first time I feel so grateful and lucky for "yes, this is the life I've always dreamt of and worked hard for". I challenged myself with having abs and man I did it. I learnt to take photos, tried more outfit combos, worked with more brands, created more content. I learnt to cook (finally). I have achieved so much that one paragraph won’t do it justice. A family, an opportunity to work overseas and the best colleagues, a dream life, best friends, relationships, and most importantly, the best well-being. What else can I ask for?
Yet, while I tell you how great my 23's been, I will never forget how life has also shattered me. I was thinking how great everything was until one day things suddenly fell apart. I messed up things I built for years and have always been proud of. Family issues, sickness of your closest people, break-up, departures. They all hit me real hard. I was shattered. I don’t tend to use words that strong, but this time, it’s just it. It’s been such a challenging time that everything will make me question myself every day - if I really am a good person, if I had been a good girlfriend, if blogging suits me, if I know fashion at all. Everyone tells me I deserve the best and nothing less. But do I really? What if I never do?
2018 is like every time you stand up from the last strike, it hits you with another stronger one; and then you think you’re okay, and here we go again, this time in full swing. I was trapped, so trapped that I don’t even know if I could stand up again.
This is the first time I see my friend cry because I cry. This is the first time I keep crying over reading birthday messages and cards. They know my stubbornness, they know my ego, my pride. They reach out because they know I will not ask for help; they check on me regularly, worry that I do not eat; they assure that I’m pretty (regardless if that is true or not). They open the safety net so that I won’t hit the bottom too hard. I really don't know what I have done to deserve these amazing people. I will be okay, trust me, I will be fine.
It’s been some time since things happened. I guess It’s time to put myself back together. There’s always a reason why things happen this way, you or him/her, it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, it’s because the two persons are not suitable now. Yeh, that moment might hurt you inside out and you might think the world is falling apart. It’s okay, let it fall, let it go, let it be. Yeh, you will be thinking of that person a lot - a flush of sweetness followed by some spiking heartbreaks. It’s okay.
But hey girl, remember, even if two persons are not suitable now, it doesn’t mean they won’t be suitable in the future. No one knows what will happen in the future. The last thing to do now is be sad and sink. What you should do, is to believe, chin up, and run. Use the quickest way to make yourself the best person, the best well-being. Then one day when your lives criss-crossed again, you will be ready with the best you. Nothing will happen if you are not at your best.
What you should look forward to is not him/her coming back, but you catching up real quick. Wait for that magic moment when the new you and the new him/her meet again, then you can say “This time I will not let you go again.” Keep the faith up, if it’s meant to be, it will be, so run now. Never give up.
At the end of the day, yeh, today I might be alone physically but it doesn’t necessarily mean I am lonely. I have you all, right? A girl should feel powerful and happy and pretty even if she is by herself. Nothing should stop her from being who she wants to be. After all you are the only best person to live your life because you are the one who's been living it for years. Only you can decide what you want most.
Sometimes I feel like I keep telling people how a girl should feel. But in fact, rather than "advice to her", it might actually be things I want to remind myself – remind Chloe that she should be and could be happy and pretty.
Am I that girl yet? I am not sure. Yet, I will start being one from today - goal for 24-year-old.
Last but not least, words to my 16-year-old self: Well done girl for not giving up. You will soon make it happen. Be proud, and be prepared – this is something you will forever treasure.
Make a wish now, Postmen, you've done a great job this year.
Forever Loveyou xx