Ever since I've started the Heart-to-Heart series, quite surprised, I started to receive emails/DMs/comments about their own true stories. I am surprised because they are stories about their life problems, about their own issues, family, health, love, diet, something I never thought people will open up and share with me. Some stories are encouraging, but most of them are sad, and even heartbreaking.
I was anorexic. But I never told you on this blog that I had depression at the same time. Yes, I had depression, but I used to deny that I had depression. It could be school, it could be peer pressure, it could be the lack of self-appreciation that slowly drenched me into the swirl of depression. That's why I almost see myself in your stories I read – that I would starve myself to lose weight, that I would cry for hours and hours, that I would fake a smile as if I am fine.
I am fine.
I wasn't fine. The most frequent thing I said to others was "I am fine, it's been great". I even managed to deceive myself that I was fine. I went to school, I ate, I talked to people, as if I was fine. But only I knew how hollow and empty I was, especially when I was surrounded by people. Everyone seemed so happy and smiling and I was too, but that smile did not come from the bottom of my heart.
That is just breathing but not living.
You don't and won't understand.
The worst thing for depression is I cannot and don’t know how to articulate my own feelings. That's probably the most common barrier for depressed people – We can't explain. I am not happy, but I don't know why I am unhappy. I felt like a baby who has a voice but unable to explain my needs. What makes it worse is I think adults are not allowed to cry.
I didn't want to explain to people so I chose to back off from them, even from my very loved ones. But backing off hurts people. Seeing your loved ones suffer feels nothing better than the suffering one.
Say I am not fine
Things started to turn bright ever since I picked up this blog. Being depressed is not an illness. Even if it is an illness, it is just a neutral term/description with no stigma or inference. Being depressed is absolutely fine. Even for people with the most energetic and positive vibes can sometimes be depressed and they cry too. Just say I am not happy, cry, accept it, admit it. Because only by accepting it and expressing it in full can you release all the negative energy and start all over again. That’s how you show your body respect and love, that you appreciate how it is feeling and are fully cleansing it up.
Find your own hobby, engage in things you love, surround yourself with positivity, appreciate every small thing around you, step out of your comfort zone, and most importantly, move on. Very often it is you yourself who keep looking back that drag yourself into negativity. So fuse your blood with all the things you like until you don't have time to stay in your own dark box. I am not asking you to escape from problems, but to embrace them, live with them until they can't weigh you down again.
Never stop believing
The most common question I get is "Do you think one can fully recover?"
"It's hard, but you will." I said.
If you asked me the same question a year ago, I would answer you "no" straight away. I never thought I could recover fully. I didn't notice that by every small step I made, I could gradully walk away. Only until very recently that I can confirm you "I am happy." Only until I look back to realise how far numerous small steps can get you. Yeh, it may seem insignificant while you are walking, like I didn't believe that I could fully recover, but by every small step, one at a time, will make a huge difference. Never stop believing.
You know what, I don’t have to meet you to know, you are amazing. Every one is unique. Yeh, I hate myself for my short legs, big thighs, tanned skin, a whole long list of things. But hey, I got long sleek hair, relatively big eyes and thin body, a loving family and friends, the ability to do what I want. What more can I ask for really? God may seems unfair, but it's fair because He's unfair to everybody else.
This is me. I am telling you this, not because I want your sympathy, but because I want to tell people who are experiencing the same that I am with you. You are not alone.
Be the first person to love yourself before others love you. You've been you the whole life's time, so who else can be a better person to do you except yourself?
I had depression. I totally understood that frustration for being unable to articulate your feelings and the denial of being called "sick". That's why DearPostman is here with the new *Heart-to-Heart: Self Love* for all of you out there who is experiencing or had experienced the same. DearPostman and people out there need you. Shoot us a DM or email to share your story on DearPostman.com - talk to us, spread the positivity, walk it through together.